why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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