I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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