Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize