oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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