I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
