the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
