she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My life is pants optional.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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