i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize