I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
