How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
