Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
