The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize