I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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