i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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