I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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