you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
