I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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