I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
