His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
