i dont even know how to be here
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize