I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
