I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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