Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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