Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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