the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
