and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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