i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
