i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
