I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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