my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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