just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had to cum in my sink.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
