I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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