sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
