i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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