How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
