My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
