I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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