Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
