Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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