dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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