When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
we should paint friendship bongs
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