i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
