Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
