I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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