He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize