I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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