I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
