There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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