I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
