There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
