omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
