Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
