Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
