I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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