Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
