i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
