ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
