I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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