They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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