I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
