I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
