Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
