The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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