My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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