You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
