Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
